We’ve all heard suggestions to ‘take more responsibility’ or ‘we are responsible for our own actions’ or ‘you can’t grow as a person if you don’t take full responsibility for yourself’.
But what does this mean exactly?
Ok let’s have a look. We all understand the concept of ’cause and effect’ – a chain of events, one thing leads to another. So whatever state I am in is a result of many factors – my innermost nature (whatever that is), my genes, my upbringing, the society I grew up in and am part of, any major events in my life, and so on. Therefore, if I am in a less-than-idea state (whatever that is!), isn’t that just the fault of my genes, my parents and my government? Can’t I realistically blame others for being unhappy/lazy/angry etc?
Well, yes and no. Certainly you can trace your problem backwards. You can say that you weren’t taught to deal with such-and-such, or you never had the chance to do such-and-such, or your parents didn’t have the vision to see such-and-such, or person x did such-and-such to you. This is all real, and the pain caused can be hard to deal with. Blame can help to relieve some of the weight, but it won’t solve the problem.
This is because this way of looking at things is only a partial truth. If you get to apply those criteria, and blame the preceding generation, or situation, then so do they. Your parents, previous governments, people who inflicted pain on you, can all pass the buck and say that they are just a product of their conditions – they did not know any better. Any pain, any issue, any wrong-doing can be traced and justified ad infinitum.
So does that mean that no-one is to blame for anything? Well, yes and no. It can either mean that no-one is to blame for anything, because they are a product of many factors, or everyone is to blame for everything they do, because they do it. To me neither is very useful.
The important realisation here, and the only truly useful way to look at it, is this: right NOW, at this very moment, you are what you are. The past can’t be changed. You are you – physically, emotionally, spiritually – imperfect, but capable of a whole lot. Whatever has brought you to this point has happened. Accepting that can be hard but it is the truth. That’s not to discount the pain or wrong inflicted, just to say that to grow and move on, it’s more useful to pull things apart and apply the same criteria across the board.
But does that mean I’m responsible for all the events that have happened in my life? Much of the problem here lies in the varied meaning of the word ‘responsible’. Responsible can mean:
“That was my favourite vase. Who is responsible for this?” – meaning At Fault, or To Blame, a cause of something in the past.
or
“I’m glad you like your new puppy, but you must be responsible for it now” – meaning Ongoing Nurturing, Looking After, a sense of ownership.
This second way of looking at it is far more positive here. ’Ownership’ is probably closer to the best meaning. You have this being, with all it’s talents, strengths, quirks and imperfections – so what are you going to do with it? If the puppy was in pain or injured when you got him, you wouldn’t think too much about why. You’d just be grateful to have him, and look after him to the best of your abilities. You’d ease his pain,feed him as best you could, and endeavour to make him as happy and healthy as possible.
Try seeing yourself as that puppy! Be grateful for what you have, accept and forgive, knowing that whatever ills have been cast on you are themselves a result of previous harm. And just intend to have fun with all that you have.
But now comes another sense of the word responsibility: now into the future. Independent of blame, you have your imperfections. These might impact your life, or that of those around you. Past events might give you tendencies towards anger, or fear, or lack of confidence. So for now and the future, you have a choice: will I leave things as they are, or will I work to consciously improve and develop?
You are not responsible (At Fault) for the events that made you what you are, but you are responsible for (Charged With Looking After) yourself now and you are responsible (Culpable) if you pass on pain.
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You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it. ~Ken Keyes, Jr.
The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs. ~Joan Didion
